The Truth

The truth is...... not as fabulous as it seems on this blog.

Yes, our daughter is adorable and smart and almost always happy.  Yes we adore her, too much, yet never too much.  Yes we have a great lifestyle and a successful enough business that affords us the ability to live in a nice house, do fun things together, and provide opportunities for our daughter while still tucking away a retirement fund and a college fund.  Yes, I usually have enough free time to write a few things here and post some pictures in my digital "scrapbook" of our great life while also sharing it with people who care.  Yes, we got it good.  And I know that there are probably some "friends" out there that read this blog sometimes and roll their eyes and want to puke because our lives are maybe just a little too great.  I am self aware enough to know that it is really egotistical to write about my own great perfect life for everyone to read.  Honestly, I really don't care if anyone ever reads this blog because I am writing it for me, for us, for Jackie, to remember the good.

But just to set the record straight..... nothing is ever as great as it seems from afar.  No one is ever as happy as they make themselves out to be.  We filter ourselves most of the time, in person, and on the web.  And since we are always trying to present our best selves, we end up building up a wall between ourselves and others.

So, here's the truth.  We've been trying to have another baby for quite a long time now.  Others have conceived, given birth and watched their babies turn 1 during the time we've been trying.  It's hard.  Really hard.  And there are days when I don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere because I just don't want to talk about it.  What's there to say really?  Yes, we would like to have another child.  Yes, we are trying.  No, it's not fun to "TRY".  When you've been trying this long with no success while peeing on test sticks and taking your temperature first thing in the morning and observing other potential signs of fertility and constantly consulting a calendar so that you don't accidentally miss that very narrow 24 hours of actual fertility..... it begins to feel more like a chore.  What if it was a long day?  What if you've caught a cold?  What if one of you is out of town?  What if by the time you get your kid to sleep at night you are just in no mood?  And what if you wake up in the morning to her lying between you?  

No, we don't know what's wrong.  Yes, we've been to the doctor; we've had tests run.  There doesn't appear to be anything wrong with either of us.  Yes, we've tried a getaway, twice.  Yes, I 'm taking my vitamins.  Yes, I try to manage my stress level.  Yes, I eat well.  Yes, I've read that book and this study.  Yes, I've done yoga, meditation, prayer, acupuncture, cupping, ear magnets, chiropractic, visualization, hormone supplementation....... shall I go on?  Yes, I've tried not testing, not looking at the calendar, not taking my temperature, not making a big deal about it.  No, we didn't have any problems getting pregnant the first time.  Yes, I had a great pregnancy other than the nausea for a few months.

What is wrong with my body?  Nothing at all?  Or something that they just haven't found yet?  What if it's really serious?  What if there is something wrong with me that really doesn't have anything at all to do with fertility but is so bad that my body won't become pregnant as a result?  That's some scary shit to think about when you go to bed at night.

Jackie is coming up on her 4th birthday soon.  I really just didn't imagine that she would be an only child at this stage in her life.  This is not the way I planned it.  I know, we make plans and God laughs. Ha ha.  That doesn't make me feel any better.

How do I answer my daughter when she asks why we don't have a baby and everyone else does?

So, in conclusion, everyone has some shit they are dealing with.  Everyone has good days and bad.  This is my shit and this is my bad day.  And there have been many others and there will be many more. And that's the truth.  But I'll try to go back to painting happy pictures again soon.